Life.

Wow.It’s crazy how God changed my heart. Just twenty minutes ago, I felt so distant from Him. I don’t even know the words to describe what just happened. All I can say is: He is able. All my feelings of being overwhelmed are gone. I felt so drained and my thoughts and feelings were all over the place, but now all I sense is stillness. Even though I have 400 pages to read and so much notes to go over, I no longer feel restlessness, but faith; faith that everything will work out. (Matthew 6:31-33:³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.)

To be honest, I’ve been struggling a lot spiritually this past week. Although it was only a couple of days, the spiritual battle was so tough. I felt weak and hopeless; I didn’t have faith that God would answer my calls. I thought I finally learned what it meant to be joyful in Christ but my thoughts this past week definitely proved me wrong. Because I felt so ashamed and discouraged, I turned away from Him. His presence was absent in my life and I couldn’t ignore it. So, I cried out for help but he didn’t answer immediately, which made me even more discouraged and frustrated.

 My thoughts and emotions run much deeper than what’s being written and there are some things I can’t say… BUT, in conclusion, God answered me. Although we are blinded during times of hardships, it’s true that God never lets go.There’s no structured formula for how we can get back to that place of intimacy with God. All we can do is confess that we are weak, die to ourselves, and wait patiently upon Him in faith. He will not forsake you.

Although I’ve only been in college for a few days, I’m really beginning to see how easy it is to fall into temptation. It’s hard to stop myself from doing things that I used to do, especially in an amosphere where the presence of sin is so strong. Still, God is constantly reminding me to stand firm in my faith and to stay as far away from sin as possible. He’s already provided me with good friends and a community where I could grow spiritaully and mature. By the grace of God, I’m being strengthened and my desire to take part in the ideal “college life” is fading. I can tell that people around me are having the time of their lives and I’m not judging them. I just wish that they could experience a different kind of fun: the kind that doesn’t involve alcohol or drugs, the kind that is accompanied by everlasting satisfaction.

“Death has lost its sting”.

With all this talk about the world coming to an end, these lyrics continually appear in my mind. I sang these words a countless amount of times during praise. Yet, I never wholeheartedly believed in it. I think I finally get it now.

In the past, death was one of my biggest fears; not because it’s scary in a spooky way, but because I felt like everything I’ve accomplished on this earth would be a waste. But as my relationship with God becomes more intimate, I taste little glimpses of heaven and my views on death change. It’s strange because my heart would race and I’d panic at the sound of people discussing the end times. Now, it doesn’t scare me like it used to. In fact, it’s kind of exciting!

I’m not saying that I want to die rightnow or anytime in the near future. Of course, I still want to experience things like having a career, getting married, etc. but I’ve learned to accept the fact that those things may never happen and that’s okay! Those things are incomparable to the amount of fun we’ll have in Heaven. Man, it is unfathomable how insane it’ll be.

I was watching a special on Icecube today and these were his exact words, ” I ain’t livin’ for nobody but myself and my family”. Considering the fact that he was in the midst of talking about his motivation for success, these words sounded “inspirational” or “respectable” at first. He came off as a dedicated guy, an ideal family man. But as I think about it more, it’s neither one of these descriptions; it’s actually really sad. If we ruled over our own lives, his response would be great. However, the truth is, we don’t. We didn’t create ourselves, God did. Our one and only motivation for success should be to glorify Him. But how many of us, including myself, can say we put God first in all that we do? Are we living out our purpose: to bring praise to the one who created us? Or are we doing the exact opposite by glorifying ourselves?

Today, on the way to Irvine, I saw a guy minutes away from death. He was riding his motorcycle and got hit by a car on the freeway. As he lay squirming on the ground of the carpool lane, he was yelling in pain and wincing. The people who hit him were screaming on the phone for help. It was difficult/disturbing to watch. I can’t imagine the panic that both parties felt and how desperate they must’ve been for help. I still can’t get that image out of my head. Man, life is fragile. Live it well.

Freedom

Dang.. exactly ten more days left until I move out of my house and into my dorm. All of my other friends are overjoyed and excited to move out. They want freedom. Me, not so much. My parents were never very strict with me, so I rarely felt the need to move out in order to be free. Needless to say, I’ve found complacency in Torrance. While others are “tied down” by their parents, I am tied down by this complacency. I really need to be stretched and placed out of my comfort zone. I have no doubt that starting college will bring this much needed growth. Even as I am typing rightnow, it hasn’t hit me yet that I have a little over a week left. I feel as though I still have a month. I feel overwhelmed by the choices I have to make. I still don’t know what to do with my future. I’m someone who always plans ahead, so I don’t want to just pick a subject I like and hope for a job when I graduate; I want to figure out the career I want and then choose my major accordingly. This leads me to my next question: Do I want to suffer academically and pursue cosmetic chemistry, or do I want to do business? ahhhhh. decisions, decisions. How I hate them…I wish God would just straight up reveal his plans for me. But what’s the fun in that, right? God gives us the freedom to choose what we want to do. Wow, I just realized, I am free in so many ways.